


Ripple Effect

by iAnneart



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Billy Hargrove Needs Love, Billy Hargrove-centric, Bisexual Steve Harrington, Character Death, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Everything in series in canon in this fanfiction, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Harringrove, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Lost Love, M/M, No Jonathan or Nancy, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Post-Season/Series 03, Pretty sad, Shadow Monster | Mind Flayer Possessing Billy Hargrove, The Upside Down, harringrove is canon in my eyes okay, relationship between the kids and Billy, the Party dealing with another death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:35:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22672648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iAnneart/pseuds/iAnneart
Summary: The aftermath of Billy's death after the Starcourt battle, and how it affected everyone was...surprisingly horrible. For everybody.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington, Dustin Henderson & Billy Hargrove, Eleven | Jane Hopper & Billy Hargrove, Lucas Sinclair & Billy Hargrove, Mike Wheeler & Billy Hargrove, Will Byers & Billy Hargrove
Comments: 17
Kudos: 87





	1. Will Byers

.

If he hadn't died, the entire situation could have potentially be ironic. How many similarities has he counted already? Five? There is probably a fuck-ton more. Who would have thought? Definitely not Will. His friends would probably have him evaluated for another psychiatric evaluation comparing himself to Billy.

1\. William Byers. William Hargrove.

They shared the same names, and wasn't that a kick? He pictured Billy being called 'William' and it could _almost_ make him smile - he doesn't know why, but he think he probably didn't like being called that often. But most of the time, it actually really freaking _sucked ass_ that he shared his first name with Max's step brother- _shit,_ brother. Even though Max isn't present, nor is she capable of reading minds, he still winces as he could practically hear her hiss out in fury like she did that one time he messed up-

"He's my BROTHER, what the fuck is _wrong_ with you, Will-"

He can imagine Max with the dark rage in her eyes every time someone _dared_ call to add the 'step' before it, and Will was the next one in the line of fire. It doesn't matter if that someone did it in purpose or not. At least not in the fiery girl's mind. Then she'd deflate, the anger vanishing from her eyes in an instant as she says Will's name, and now her cerulean eyes are glistening with tears, and it's not his goddamn fault but he _STILL_ feels guilty like if he personally insulted Max's dead brother right to her face and _Jesus fuck, not this again_ _-_

Will breathes out shakily, harshly. Wipes his wet eyes. This is so stupid. He presses his palms painfully into his closed eyes, until his eyeballs ache and the greenish swirly hue begins to appear within the inky blackness. What does he have to cry about? They never exchanged one single word with one another. The name thing is superficial, he tells himself, because it is. There's probably hundreds of thousands of Williams in this world. He could bet the world that his piece of shit father was the one who named him too. Nobody called Billy 'William' when he was alive, except his father and only when he was going to get a beating.Which reminds him of the second one:

2\. Asshole dad.

Yeah, Max gave hints here and there. Nothing too obvious. He can't really pinpoint it either, maybe it wasn't the particular things she'd say but _how_ she said them. Either way, it was not enough for the rest of party members to catch on - at least yet. Will knew. His brother and him had the experience to show for it. And that shit made him feel pretty fuckin' sad. 'Cus he knows what it feels like to consistently ridiculed and humiliated by someone who's supposed to take care for you and love you unconditionally, but all he does is spit hate in your face, and you can tell he wishes you've never been born cus all you see is _**disgust in his eyes**_. After he put two and two together, he couldn't help but notice the teenager whenever he came over to pick up Max. He always seemed to be injured some way. A black eye. Split lip. Bruises on his neck. With his dangerous temper, everyone assumed he was getting in multiple fights with invisible rebellious teenagers just like him. Even Max did, at the beginning. Probably said some bullshit brag like, _"You should see the other guy."_ Everyone believed it but him.

He remembers one time Billy had a cast on his arm for two months. And what the fuck. His dad was a huge douche, but he never broke his goddamn arm. Thank God, he got out of that. Thank God he had his mom and brother. He probably would be enveloped in darkness, a completely human darkness. El talked to the Party about Billy's mom, about the extent of the abuse before the funeral and that he really had no one after she just straight up _ditched_ him, left him with the human equivalent of a monster. El wanted an explanation as to why a mom would do that. She asked them as much when Max was not around- _"Why didn't she take him with her?"_

No one really had an answer to that. After that, Will understood him a little more. There was no one in his corner, a person to turn to for solace. Max was close though. Billy was used to not having anyone watching his back until Max realized things weren't okay between her brother and his dad. Before that, he was fucking angry all the time and that made Max mad, made her not want to try anymore so it was all just a big clusterfuck of anger at the Hargrove household. And that was another similarity he was almost scared to admit to himself:

3\. They were both so, SOfucking angry.

Angry at the world for the SHIT hand they've been dealt with in their miserable lives. Billy's anger was another level of extreme, dangerous, manic, " _Look at me funny, and I'll fucking knock your goddamn teeth out, let's go you bastard-"_ But...Will worries what could have been if his mother had left too. If he didn't have Jonathan. Like, nobody in the Party knows it, but sometimes. 

He feels. Out of control. Vibrating in his own skin. 

Rage simmers underneath his veins, and he worries about that. Cus' sometimes he has to actively bite back saying something REALLY cruel to Mike or Max or anyone really who was being insensitive and shit, what's fucking new?- that one time Mike was being such an asshole about him not liking girls, he wanted to truly and honest-to-God punch him in his dick face so hard until he bled, until he heard a _crack_ of cartilage in his nose. Maybe punch him a couple of more times after that. But he knows better. He controls himself, he can talk himself down, it's not really their fault. Billy was an asshole because he didn't know better. His ma wasn't there to teach him he could _be_ better. Nah, he had his dad as his role-model, big respectable War veteran, good man, family man, right? 

But of course, he can't let the Party know that.

He also thinks that if Billy was alive today, he'd probably be angrier. He'd probably break shit left and right, burning down the world, destroying this shit show for good. The universe not only sent him a piece of shit of a father, oh no that's not enough, his ma also left him in the dirt, he also needed to get fucking possessed by this interdimensional shadow monster. And that just another thing: 

4\. What horrendous godforsaken luck for both of them to be chosen by the Mindflayer to destroy everyone.

Billy had it worse. A thousand times over. He knows that outright. It killed hundreds of people using Billy's body. It killed _him_ , tore out his flesh, left a big gaping hole in his chest. Made him spew out black blood, shredded his insides, and left him to die slowly. Painfully. Was it bad for Will to wish Billy was back to have someone to talk to about how it feels to be the Mindflayer's puppet? It sounds kind of selfish to him. It's awful to think about it, but it was almost mercy in a way, that he died, because how could he be walking around, _functioning_ , when he knows he involuntarily massacred half the town. Well, maybe not half the town, but that's how it probably would feel like. He thinks. 

And if he was alive, he doubted Billy would ever, EVER talk to him willingly about it. He'd scoff at him, call him a 'nerd', tell him to go fuck off with his lame-ass friends. Tell him 'stay the fuck away, Zombie Boy.' He'd probably never mention it again to anyone as long as he lived. And he understood that. But still, he knew. He knew how it felt. How the cold slithers into your core, and makes you feel like ice, black and removed from everyone around you. How the shadows envelop your insides, and make you want to take the largest butcher knife you can find and open yourself up to take everything out because even feeling hollow had to feel better than _this_. How it speaks to you like it was your own mind thinking it. Gives you images that you think you created.

_Kill them._

All of his friends were dead. Bodies splattered in different pieces across the cold forest floor.

_Slit their throat. It'd be so easy_

He saw his mother dead.

_Maybe I should kill myself instead._

He'd be holding a lamp covered in her blood, her head bashed in. But no, the monster didn't let you take the easy way out. It was powerful, self-preservation and all. So he could continue doing its fucked-up bidding like a good little bitch.

There an entirely new monster inside Will, one he can't blame on anyone but _himself_. He doesn't think anyone has figured it out yet. He likes to think Billy would notice. Maybe after dropping Max off at the arcade or something, they'd randomly catch each other's eyes, stormy blue irises meeting honey ones, and they'd just like... know. Connect. Even when the Mindflayer leaves, it leaves a tendril of smoke within you that you cannot exorcise no matter how much you try. No matter how much you pray. And maybe Billy would smile at him. Probably not, though. He sort of hoped he would though, because truth be told, Billy had a nice smile. It was...really something.

Aaaand. That brings him to number five.

...He already feels flushed from thinking about it.

When Mike said what he said, he felt like he was gutted. It was such a low blow. Did Billy ever go through something like that? He doesn't think so. He was too cool, he was always with a shit-load of hot chicks and what not, nobody would even think it for a second. Not like Will. He's wimpy looking. A dork. Never even had a girlfriend, and all of his friends are in relationships, and it blows. 

But. He doesn't even know if he wants one. The bullies at school. His own dad. It was always the same insult. 

_"Fag."_

It's strange, almost makes him feel ashamed of knowing something that even Max doesn't know. It wasn't on purpose though. He was waiting on Jonathan to pick him up from school, a year ago and a half ago, waaaay before shit hit the fan once again. It was just coincidence, because Neil Hargrove was sitting in his pick up truck like maybe ten meters away, in the school parking lot. He didn't seem aware that Will was nearby. Mr. Hargrove had to be picking Max up from school, which was weird since Billy is always the one who picks her up. He didn't notice the man's presence at first, but he did once he started yelling really fucking _loud._

Will turned around to see what was happening, and he saw that the stern man looked absolutely livid, red-faced, bulging vein in the middle of his forehead, screaming at his blocky cellphone. The window was rolled all the way up, so it was a testament as to how loud the man was. He didn't mean to listen, it's just that he really couldn't fucking help overhearing the entire (one-sided, it seemed) conversation. 

_"_ _You are such a fucking faggot, incorrigible as ever. I'm so disappointed in you, boy. I ever see that shit laying around in your room again, I will pack your shit right up and send you straight to military school so they can straight your queer ass out, you hear me?! You RESPECT my goddamn house. You have the privilege of living under MY roof. And you pull that type of disgusting homo crap, I swear to the almighty Lord- "_

And, um, who could be on the other side of that phone? It definitely wasn't going to be Maxine or Mrs. Hargrove.

" _I will NOT HAVE A REPEAT OF CALIFORNIA!"_

He tuned out after that.

Max came out and she was confused too, wondering why her stepfather was picking her up, and he just lied and lied about how Billy was occupied with some super important shit when in reality he probably beat the living shit out of him. He really hated how he was so observant. Made him know too much. Will's stupid fucking heart was still beating painfully, loudly, battering against his rib-cage after he got home. He was afraid his brother heard it. Tell no one. He didn't hear shit. He didn't know shit. Maybe Mr. Hargrove was exaggerating.

But in reality, he _knew._ He can bullshit all he wants but he _knows._

5\. They were both fucking massive flaming—


	2. Dustin Henderson

.

Dustin was worried. About Max, about el. About _Steve_. The last one was a little surprising because he honestly wouldn't have thought Steve was gonna take Max's brother's death as hard as he did, especially when considering the asshole beat the shit out of him.

...Shit. Well, Billy. Not asshole. Doesn't feel right to speak ill of the dead. Even if he _would have_ killed Steve. Even if he freaking attacked Lucas for something so gross, because of the color of his skin.

But he did save El.

Ergo, he saved _all of them._ Like, no joke the entire freaking universe or some shit. Everyone knows that without El, everyone was just truly **fucked.** But anyway. Steve was a little more worse for wear than expected. Which was kinda weird? Like Max, he obviously gets, being her brother and all. El saw some sad family shit in Hargrove's head, some fucked up memories, made her sympathize in him and understand a little more (honestly, he felt saddish when he thought about it too, with his own experience with his deadbeat dad, and he also knew Will and Jonathan went through abusive situations and that shit's heavy) so he kind of got that too. But Steve? 

Maybe it's cus they're practically the same age?

If someone beats the snot out of you is that like a bonding experience? He really doesn't fuckin' know. Don't get Dustin wrong, though. The entire ordeal was pretty fucking brutal. 

Hargrove's funeral was sad as fuck, sombre, a full crowd at the local Catholic church. The official story was that Billy died saving a group of young teenagers (ahem, the Party) from the blazing inferno the "gas explosion" caused at the mall, escorted them out one by one, and he wasn't able to escape in time. The story was courtesy of Maxine herself. She went out of her way to give interviews to news reporters, only written ones, firmly stating that her brother saved her life, and her friends' lives. So, of course, lots of people brought wreaths and flowers, mostly people who didn't even know the Hargrove family. The entire Party was at the very least, teary-eyed. Even Mike, who's sort of a jackass with those types of things. Max was doing a full on ugly-cry sobfest, as one can expect. Lucas had to constantly hold her in his arms, soothing her by running his fingers through her hair, Mr. Hargrove be damned. Even Lucas, which Dustin is almost amazed at, had a single tear running down his face. 

Someone needs to die sometimes to atone their sins, Dustin figures. Even though Billy never said 'sorry' or nothing like that, and was more or less still a dick to them (a more subdued, mellowed out dick), Dustin no longer hates him. He wouldn't jump to say he _likes_ him or something, but not hate him. Jesus. It's complicated. Billy Hargrove is just damn complicated, even just thinking about him causes a headache. At the funeral, when he sees Neil Hargrove at the church, face stony, eyes made out of marble or something, emotionless, even though he routinely also wipes his eyes throughout the eulogy, he actually feels disdain for this man. Hargrove was a huge asshole when he was alive, but the reason he was a huge asshole was because of this son of a bitch. El made sure that shit was drilled in everyone's heads when she described what she saw in him. ' _Will or Jonathan didn't turn out that way, though-_ ' He first argued, stupidly. And El just looked at him with this fire in her eyes, like she was gonna fling him to the nearest wall for being a douche. And she said very firmly, quietly:

'Because Will and his brother had Mrs. Byers. Billy had no one.' Her voice was almost ice. Dustin shut up real quick after that.

How can Neil Hargrove cry at his son's funeral? Does he have have that right when he was so hateful? It was unfathomable. He wonders if he feels guilt. He hopes the motherfucker does. 

And Steve...

Was just really quiet. Off in a distance, with red-rimmed eyes, beside him. Dustin asked him if he wanted to talk about it after the service but Steve just shook his head. Said thanks but no thanks. Smiled at him but it didn't reach his eyes. It's been five months now and Steve is doing a lot better. He is smiling genuinely now, laughing, he has Robin, and even other friends his own age. But he still sometimes drifts off out of nowhere when he is surrounded by people who care for him and he gets a real sad look in his eyes. He doesn't understand it very well, even now. Maybe Steve gradually became friends (friendly?) with the dude, but just never spoke of it. He knows Steve can be like that, keep things to himself, especially when he knew he was gonna get shit from the others. 

Then he thinks of Hargrove sometimes, out of nowhere. He wonders things. If Hargrove was alive today, would he be part of the Party? Did he change enough to be trusted by everyone, especially by Lucas and Steve? Would he be fighting monsters his brother from another mother? Who knows. Those type of thoughts, though. They make his stomach settle at the the bottom of his feet like a twenty pound stone. 

All of the what-ifs are useless. Hargrove is dead.

You know what? Dustin is wrong.

It's not surprising Steve feels that way at all. He sometimes feels that way too.


	3. Mike Wheeler

.

Mike often wonders if there is something wrong with him for extremely contradicting emotions he feels when he thinks about Billy Hargrove.

He sometimes gets truly angry, like he actually feels insulted whenever Max continues to talk about Billy like he was _part of the party_ , like he's at the same level of 'good' like Hopper was. Jim Hopper may have been an asshole at times, done some fucked up stuff, but he was Jane's father, he _protected_ them and he always did what he did with the intentions of making sure the entire Party was safe.

Billy didn't do any of that shit. He was just a straight up massive dickhead. 

He almost killed El. _Multiple_ times. He attacked Lucas. He tried to run them over. It's something Max seems to frequently forget. He almost killed Steve too, and while Steve wasn't like his best bud or anything like with Dustin (literally, Dusting worships the ground that dude walks on), but he was a genuinely good person. He didn't deserve that. He used to be an asshole, sure, but he changed. Now he's kinda a dork, but sometimes he was really cool, and taught them shit about chicks and how their weird mind works, and Mike's gotten to the point where he considers Steve part of the party too. They also have this strangely enjoyable love-hate shit going on, where he'd scrunch his face up at Harrington and ask "what's HE doing here?" and Steve would take it in stride and call him an freeloading asshole who would be begging to have him back when he has to use his bike to go to the arcade again. At the end though, Steve was good.

For the most part of him knowing Billy, 95% percent of what he's done and what he represents is just _bad_. So that anger kicks in, and it stays with him for a while, and then that same anger just...transforms? He then feels this toxic, bitter guilt, like heavy intense guilt even worse than when he lied to Jane and she dumped his ass. Because Jane was _really_ fucking sad Billy died. He thinks Jane feels like some of connection to Billy because she saw who he is inside, felt his emotions, witnessed his trauma and past. Jane's relationship with 'Papa' was incredibly disgusting, and Hargrove also had it bad with his dad, so he guesses that has a big part to do with it. Generally speaking, El's just been completely and utterly broken. Mike can almost _see_ her damaged heart through her voice when he calls her everyday. He can almost hear it shatter through the phone.

She grieves so much for Hopper, for her dad; he died for them, closed the Gate, and she left with the Byers, only comes to visit in the holidays. Mike goes to her house more often, or at least tries to. She also tries to hide her pain, joke around with them and the others, but then, something happens. For instance, Lucas making this stupid dance move in order to cheer up Max when she is also in what Mike likes to call the 'dark' place, and makes El start to cry these big fat tears of uncontrollable, infectious grief, and she whispers 'Hopper danced like that, he made me laugh and he wanted me to _always be happy_ -" and Mike feels like absolute shit. He embraces her tight, kisses her forehead, tries to ease her pain, but he knows he's way over his head. 

Then, El, with those big sad tears still rolling down her cheeks, and dripping down her chin, will look up at him, lips still quivering and start whisper, so softly he almost can't hear her.

_"The shadow monster doesn't look at the darkness in its host... It looks for their broken heart. It looks for their loneliness, their sadness..."_

She would hiccup, she would sniff miserably, her eyes swollen and red, and she wiped her runny nose with her oversize flannel shirt which used to belong to the Chief. 

_"He needed someone like Dad,"_ She'd cry. _"He needed his mama."_ There was no question to who Eleven was referring to. That's when Mike, for the life of him he can't explain it, would feel her grief for Hargrove. Mike could see his vision getting blurry, could feel the knot in his throat, because he can see Billy now. He feels like he actually _sees_ him, let the other bullshit fall to the ground. He's lucky. He has both of his parents together when he didn't. Mom and dad were always there for him. He was always eternally annoyed by them, but he sees that so many people don't get to say the same. El made that happen. She made him open his eyes, not be so judgmental, and let go of his resentment. 

Billy saved his girlfriend. 

The anger turns to guilt. Then, grief. And that very end of that cycle, it turns to...well, -

He feels gratitude. He sacrificed himself for her, someone who he never met in his life. El is here, as despondent and broken as she is, she is here in his arms, and she wouldn't have been if it wasn't for Hargrove. And if Billy was here, in front of him, the only thing he'd say to him is:

_Thank you._


	4. Jane Hopper/ Eleven

She tries to deal with the sadness. Like Dad said. _When life hurts you, remember the hurt. Hurt is good, it means that you got out of the cave._ She tries to think about that every single time her heart hurts.

But...it just feels like _too much_. The hurt is overwhelming, she breathes the hurt, her organs feel like they'll collapse from the weight of the hurt. She misses Dad so much. She regrets so much. When she was being a little brat, when Mike and her would giggle and make fun of him for being protective of her. For losing her powers. She know Hopper would be alive if she hadn't lost her powers.

Her fault. No matter what Mike says, she knows its her fault. It's also her fault Billy died.

Billy gave his life for her, and they never REALLY tried to free him from the Shadow monster, like they did with Will. She feels so guilty, feels like she can't even look into Max's eyes anymore. Does Max blame her? She doesn't really know, Max is mostly friendly with her. She laughs, she has fun with their friends. Sometimes though, she catches Max staring at her, her face emotionless, eyes almost grey. She can't meet her eyes. Knows that if she did, she'd break down. She says sorry, she's said it a couple of times already, but Max does this weird, forced smile, and she says ' _it's okay'_ but it doesn't _feel okay_..nothing will ever make it okay. 

Billy deserved better. He deserved someone to actually try and save him. Even if he hurt her before, even if he led dozens and dozens of people to die, because that _wasn't_ him. She knows this, because she felt his real sadness and fear and _shame_ when he was trapped in the sauna room, when he sobbed - "I tried to stop him, okay, I did, p-please believe me-"

He was not lying. 

El tries to keep it together. She tries to go on like she's getting better, like if the grief is slowly disappearing even though that's bullshit. But something, she just cracks because everything reminds her of Dad, how unfair life was that he had to sacrifice himself. Which then of course, reminds her of Billy as well. It's a push and pull, like a see-saw of pain. One side is Dad and the other is Billy. Dad's side is pretty heavy, though. That is easier to talk about however, with her friends. That's understandable for them, of course, Hopper is her dad! But Max's brother isn't as easy. For one thing, Mike and Lucas still scrunch their faces, probably not even realizing they are doing it, whenever his name randomly pops up. What did Mike say to her? _Old habits die hard?_ She knows both of them got in big trouble with Max when she caught them making that face, she wasn't there when it happened, but Dustin just shakes her head and says in a very serious tone: "Trust me, be glad you were not present to witness the massacre of my fellow brethren." 

She tries to understand them as well, because all they know from Max's brother is that he was always a massive dick to all of them. And he tried to kill Steve. And Lucas. So all of those, are super big 'no' in her book, and she was not a fan, even though she never met him. But then, she went inside his mind, and literally everything change in her eyes. His father was like Papa. His father called him names that made him cry. She didn't know some of them at first and when she asked Mike what "faggot" meant, he got red in the face and started sputtering like if he was malfunctioning or something. It was almost funny. But more than that, Mr. Hargrove hurt him a lot. He would make him bleed, make him bruise, make him _break_. His father hurt Billy's mom too. Just like Papa hurt El's mom, and left her empty, swimming in the nothingness. What she couldn't understand was if she couldn't take it anymore, why did she leave Billy behind? She just left. She doesn't know, and without her powers, she can't snoop around in Mr. Hargrove's head and find the answer. El doesn't think she would even _want_ to do that - who knows what that monster has in his head? Evil.

What she _does_ want, though, is to make him hurt.

All over. 

She can't do that either. 

All she can do is feel _her_ hurt. Hurt at how Billy sacrificed himself for her, when they never met before. Hurt at how painful and agonizing his death was. Hurt over his life being sadness, of anger, and shame. And hurt at how she didn't do anything about it. She cries a lot alone in her room. Will sometimes notices, and even though she tells him to go away, Will comes in anyway, and embraces her tightly. El can't decline what she desperately needs; she clings onto Will like if it's life-or-death and she just soaks his shirts in tears. Embarrassing. Will thinks it's due to Dad, which is true. But part of that hurt is also for Billy. That's what Will does not know. El kind of wants to tell him that, because even though she lost her powers, she thinks she has a neat ability to read people accurately. And she can almost bet money that something about BIlly makes Will become lost in himself, like drowning. It's hard to describe, but she knows Will thinks about Billy too. A lot.

El can't really talk too much about Max's brother with Mike. Mike tries his best, and she knows that. He tries logic. "What could you have done to stop that from happening? You are not made of steel, El! You're _human._ You saved ALL OF US a thousand times over, you saved the WORLD, probably this UNIVERSE. It isn't your responsibility to save all of our asses and save the person who was trying to kill you." It's in those moments, El feels like she gets really angry at Mike, but only because he's right.

She _is_ only human. She's a fourteen year old girl, Jesus Christ.

It's...tiring and stressful and terrifying to think that the weight of every single living thing depends on her. On her NOT fucking up. But it's not what she wants to hear. What El wants to hear is Mike telling her that he understands why she feels the way she feels. That Mike offers her to tell him everything about Billy, and let her vent, let her cry and scream, and just continue hugging her. It's kind of dumb. She feels like such a girl sometimes. 

But they didn't see what she saw in him. She saw his true self. His broken self. El will keep Billy's memories in her mind with her. She'll smile when she remembers him as a little boy, so happy surfing the ocean with his mom looking after him. She'll cry when she remembers his fear of his father, and the anger he felt when he'd hit his mom. Billy's end. Billy's redemption.

She hopes that Billy is eternally a young boy in the beach, with his mama, so pretty, and having so much fun in the water...

In Heaven. 


	5. Lucas Sinclair

.

Lucas likes to believe he is a good boyfriend. He pushed aside all of his feelings for his girlfriend's step-brother and stepped up to be Max's metaphorical punching bag AND the consistent, loving shoulder to cry on (or sob on). He doesn't mention the absolute terror he felt being nose to nose to Hargrove, his mind going a million miles a minute, and his heart a close second. 

_I'm gonna die, he's gonna kill me-_

He doesn't mention the anger he still feels whenever he really thinks about why he was targeted, about something he can't change (and would _never_ change) about himself. He often tries logic to quell the negative emotions Max's stepbrother elicits in him, it's been 2 weeks after he died, and the funeral was just yesterday. He tells himself that Hargrove is a product of abuse, of being stamped down repeatedly, that most likely Mr. Hargrove drilled really fucked up racist shit into his son's head by screams and punches. He tells himself, that even though Hargrove was _thisclose_ to probably beat him to death (and poor Harrington took his place), that he wasn't all bad. He did save El. Jane. It's hard to know what name to refer her as, seems kind of fucked up the Party still refers to her as a number since isn't that sort of dehumanizing? Ah, who knows. Even Mike still calls her El sometimes, although he's better at trying to consistently use her birth name. Either way, he's veering of his train of thoughts. But, yeah, Dustin and him talked about this and again 2 days ago: without Hargrove stepping up at that **exact** moment, Jane would be dead. Or flayed. Which is as good as being dead. And, that would just be it. Every single person that is aware of the Upside Down knows that El is the only reason why anyone is still alive. They would have been so far up shit's creek, that might as well give up, accept that the entire universe would implode. And that's sort of a huge deal, right? Dustin even argued that in a sort of fucked up way, Hargrove ended up saving the universe _indirectly_ by saving El. 

He thinks Dustin says that to make Harrington feel better, he's been all up in his head, just acting so strange and sad, and Dustin swears it has something to do with Hargrove, although he can't pinpoint what exactly. But eitherway, that second time at the diner, one day before the funeral, Lucas didn't react too kindly to that comment. He's not sure why, it felt like Dustin was dismissing what Hargrove did to him (no bullshitting, Lucas felt _traumatized_ after the ordeal- he's dealt with racist shit for most of his life, but that was the first time he actually feared for his life). He's almost ashamed to admit it. Lucas immediately snapped back: "Fuck off, Dustin. Hargrove didn't save the world, he saved Jane. _Jane's_ the one who saves everybody here." And he's not _wrong_ , but it's definitely the **wrong** thing to say when his girlfriend is sitting right next to him. 

And cue him being the metaphorical punching bag again! Because, Max just fucking LOSES it on him. 

"Oh so what, his sacrifice wasn't good enough for you? You don't think it's enough that he was able to snap out of the Mindflayer's control and _**fight it off**_ _?_ Like, what the fuck? Even _WILL_ wasn't able to do that. " And he sighs deeply, because he knows this isn't going to end well, no matter how he tries to explain himself. 

"I'm not saying that-"

"It sure fucking SOUNDS like it."

He knows he shouldn't, but he is getting angry. "Look Max, all I'm saying is too not get carried away with the whole _BIlly Hargrove is a hero and never did anything wrong in his goddamn life_ -!"

"FUCK YOU, I never SAID HE WAS PERFECT! No one is saying that! ALL I AM SAYING IS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH-"

Lucas is so angry. His fists curl up, subconsciously.He says things he's not supposed to say to his grieving girlfriend, even though he frequently thinks them. "Shut up, Maxine. You wouldn't get it. You would **never get it**. You don't know what it's like fearing you might die for the color of your skin." His voice became a hiss. That made Max become real quiet, real quick. The silence permeated the diner table, no one was too afraid to speak. Then...

" _H_ _e's dead, Lucas._ " Max whispered, voice clearly broken through her whispers, looking down at the table. Even to his side, he could see the tear drops falling from her eyelashes. " _He's dead. He died a horrible death. With all the shit he went through, you don't think that he atoned for that_?" 

Lucas looks at Steve, who is sitting right in front of him at the diner table, and he's looking right at him. Steve stares right back, dark eyes looking shiny and weird. Moody. The boy can't help but wonder whether _he_ thinks Hargrove atoned for almost beating him to death. They all know death was a real possibility for Steve that night, the hospital records are a testament to that. And it seems Harrington received his message loud and clear, because his eyes grow darker, they become shinier, unshed tears filling up the whites. And he give a nod to him. A subtle, almost perceivable nod.

Steve agreed with Max, Steve forgave Billy, and now he's the only asshole holding on to this anger, apparently. That just makes him angrier. He needs to step out. He needs to leave, and so on he does, takes his bike all the way back home. He knows he'll regret it later, but right now, his anger is so much, he'd take it out on Max, hurt her more than he already has. He wipes his own tears, locks himself in the room. Doesn't come out until its an hour before the funeral. His family is ready, dressed in black, when he steps out of his room. He wishes he didn't have to go, but what kind of shitty boyfriend doesn't go to his girlfriend's step-brother's funeral? Even if said girlfriend may be cussing him out as he speaks? 

And so he puts on his big boy pants, and sucks it the fuck up. Like he should have done yesterday. Now he feels so stupid, so guilty. He was supposed to make his girlfriend feel better, to comfort her, not make her feel worse. Not make her cry. He sees the two heads of flaming red hair at the front of the church pews. Max and her mom are there, Max is already crying, he can see her shoulders shaking with her sobs. Neil Hargrove right beside Mrs. Hargrove. He's holding on to Susan's hand, tightly. He knows Mr. Hargrove is the biggest monster of them, he's the racist bastard who made his son become into a racist bastard. And he grows afraid again, because he wants to go to Max, wants to give her tight hug, and apologize for being an asshole, but with Neil there, he might-

His mom puts a gentle hand on his shoulder. Squeezes it, and smiles at him. Her eyes say _Don't_ _be afraid. We are here for you._ What she really says is "Go to Max." He smiles back at her, looks over and Erica and his dad. They nod at him as well, small smiles on their faces.

He goes to Max, taps her on the shoulder, expecting for her to scream at him, to chew him out on the spot (like she should). He refuses to look up at the mustached man, and focuses solely on Max. Max turns around, eyes so puffy and red already before the Funeral has even started, and throws herself on him. grabbing him in a desperate hug like if he was her lifeline. And she sobs and sobs, her head buried in his neck, soaking his pristine black button up.

_"...Please don't. Now is not the time, Neil..."_

He hears that whisper, Susan is telling her husband to not do something, and that immediately makes him fear again. Then, he hears Max sobbing out: "I needed you so much, Lucas." The fear goes away, and sadness takes its place. Gut-wrenching sadness. His eyes water, but this time, it's not because of anger. 

"I'm sorry." He finally is able to say, voice cracking audibly. He would be embarrassed in other circumstances, but right now, he couldn't give a flying shit. "I'm sorry for not realizing all the good your brother did, I'm sorry for holding on to a grudge I should have let go a long time again. "

There was so much he wanted to say, but he didn't know _how._ Wasn't sure if it was even directed at Max anymore.

_Hargrove, you're not so bad. Through all of the bullshit persona, you're a good person. Thanks for saving us all._

_I'm sorry you're gone._

_Max really needs you._

.

.


	6. Maxine Hargrove-Mayfield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max feels a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Max's chapter, but I am not gonna lie. There's a little more of Steve here.

"You can't keep doing this Maxine," Principal Lockhart sighs.

She even closes her eyes, concerned at seeing the red-head once again in her office, for the third time this month. It's hard to lose someone in the family, she knew. Mrs. Hargrove informed her about her stepson's death. It's interesting however, that this was Max's reaction to her stepbrother's passing. More than once, she was a witness to intense hostile arguments between the two in front of the school's entrance. That young man had a bad temper, she could immediately tell by how he frequently called Max a bitch. Maybe yelling was a better word. Before Mrs. Lockhart could step in, he'd peel off the street with his aggravating noisy Camaro like his life depended on it. Max, in response would flip him off as he drove away. Every. Single. Time. Aggressiveness was quite present in the red-head sitting across from her. Now more than ever. It's worrisome to see this young student so full of pain that she takes it out as unadulterated anger on the rest of the student population. She needed to draw the line somewhere, however.

Max crosses her arms defiantly, wild hair disheveled due to the earlier scuffle she had with that stupid piece of shit Troy. Her jaw jutted out, light-colored eyes gleaming. "The motherfucker had it coming." She mutters, clearly not at all remorseful. Lockhart purses her lips, eyes narrowing, intertwining her hands on top of her mahogany desk.

"Maxine." She snaps firmly. "Language." Max makes a _tsk_ sound, and turns her head away. "You do realize you broke his nose, right?"

"Yeah, I noticed when I heard the crack, loud and clear." A small smile. The principal shakes her head in disappointment.

"And you also realize you gave me no choice in suspending you, correct?" She hardens her voice even more, putting her foot down. Max snaps her head to her, anger immediately noticeable by her reddening face. " _What_? THAT'S NOT FAIR!" She yelled, balling her fists. 

"Troy started everything when he couldn't keep his STUPID mouth shut-"

"And I will have to call your parents as well." 

Max, for the first time in this impromptu meeting, became silent.

.

This is so _fucked_. 

It's not her fault that there are so many dumbasses who test her with their idiotic comments about her brother, when they have no fucking clue what really happened.

Max angrily storms in her room, and slams the door, sick of seeing Neil's face after he gave her that stupid " _respect and responsibility_ " speech he loooooved to say over and over again to her brother. She knows she was being stupid slamming the door like that, specially when she knows how the psychopath punished his son. Actually and fully _knows_. She knows that it would only be a matter of time before Neil directed his anger at her or her mom. Probably both. Neil is a giant asshole who is slowly becoming even MORE of a giant asshole now that he can't discharge his violent tendencies on his human punching bag. Because that is what Billy was to him. A fucking punching bag.

She can't believe how much that man doesn't give a shit about his only son dying. It's unfathomable. It's like a theater play now; her mom is cheerful as fuck and Neil is pretending like he never had a son to begin with. Even though she notices that he's drunk almost all of the time. He sometimes even goes to work shitfaced. She secretly hopes for him to fucking crash and die. She can't even mention Billy over dinner or some shit because it shatters the illusion both of them are trying to construct. Mom will look at her with wide eyes, almost fearful. Neil will abruptly leave the dinner table, loud enough for Mom to yelp in fear. He will rummage around to get a 12 pack of beer, sits down in his favorite chair in the living room, and drinks it so fast, it seems he trying to beat a record. He finishes it, stands up again, and drinks another 12 pack like if it's nothing. Over and over. All of the empty beer cans are crushed and piling around the sofa chair. And every single time he gets up to go the kitchen, he acts like he didn't circle around Billy's weights, like all of his belongings just suddenly became invisible.

She doesn't know whether that's a bad thing or a good thing. She was really afraid Neil was gonna throw away of his stuff and clear out his room like the very next day but was surprised he didn't. Billy's room is intact. They haven't touched any of his shit, so it's like a moseleum or something. They keep his room locked at all times, but she knows where Neil keeps the keys. Neil doesn't notice. Her mom does but she doesn't say a word thankfully. It seems like that's all her mom is really good at - staying silent no matter what happens. So when the coast is clear, she sneaks around to go her brother's room and just sit on his bed and cry. 

_....Shit._

Max already felt the tears building up, and that just made her even more angry. She's so sick of crying. Of being angry at everyone. She's sick of being in an okay mood, and then out of nowhere, she feels her stomach drop, her heart is in her throat because she had a spontaneous thought about something even slightly related to Billy. She's tired of snapping at her friends for no good reason. She's so done with the shallow well-wishes, and even worse, having to politely listen or say thanks to people expressing their condolences and talking about Billy like if they actually fucking knew him. It was all just fake. They're all too goddamn fake, it's insane. They fake cared about Billy's death, they faked cried at his funeral and did fake shit like buy wreaths and flowers and all of this bullshit that she knows Billy wouldn't like. And then a week later, everything's back to normal. Like nothing ever happened. Like if Billy's existence was wiped away from the town's memory. But Jim Hopper? That is a whole different story.

Jane's dad, the Chief, he was a good man. She knew he was. But sometimes she feels outright rage, the type of anger that actually scares even herself, when people really give a shit about what happened to him, about his death and how the entire town mourned him and KEEPS mourning him. But Billy? Who the hell is he? Fuck if anyone knows. He appeared in the newspaper for maybe 3 days? And she's being generous. She gave all of these interviews to a ton of newspapers, gave them a lot of (fake) details to work with it, painting her brother as a hero BECAUSE HE FUCKING WAS (fuck those who put that in doubt) but it all just went to shit. Hopper's death is STILL frontpage worthy, four fucking months later, in the obituary every single day. She doesn't want to feel that way. So she tries to use logic to reason with herself.

Hopper's well known. He was the goddamn chief of police for Christ's sake. Billy was the California new kid, and she's lying if she denies he was mostly an asshole the two years they've lived here. Billy was an angry teenager who was rowdy, had a violent streak a mile wide, fucked tons of girls, shit, you name it. That's what everyone else thinks. But they don't really know what went on behind closed doors. They still don't know how his piece of shit dad beat him for every single error or misstep, for not saying 'Sir' the correct way, for not getting an A+ on his AP Biology test, or for not breathing right. They don't know Billy was surprisingly emotional. He was really sensitive and cried frequently; she'd hear him in his room alone, sometimes when Neil didn't even do anything to him. But you can't go and try to do...something. Help? 'Cus he'd swear up and down that ' _you're actually a stupid bitch if you actually believe for **one** goddamn second I was crying, get the fuck away from me, Maxine!-_ This is where he'd usually try to throw something at her to fuck off and leave his room. ' _That shit is for fucking faggots. For pussie_ s.' He would snap.

In those moments, he sounded exactly like his father. In those moments, she would be afraid of him. In those moments, she would also be startled after the fact. Why does he use the word 'faggot' so much but always breaks down, _guaranteed_ , when his father calls him that all the fucking time? She didn't get it. She STILL doesn't get it. It's such an ugly word. But nobody knows that side of him, that grey area. The sentimental side he had. Those things that made him human. So she tells herself that's the reason why people gave much more of a shit with Hopper. But it still makes her want to punch everyone.

She doesn't want to compare between the Chief and Billy, because it's not a fucking pain competition.

She doesn't want to feel that way. It makes her feel gross, specially when El's around. El has a knack for reading people, and even though she swears she hasn't recuperated her powers, Max secretly theorizes El can still read minds. Or something along those lines. That girl is so freaking perceptive, it still freaks her out. Sometimes. She gets this irrational fear that El knows exactly what she's thinking and being disgusted by her and thinking she's a horrible person and --

It's just better to avoid having conversations with El about those events. About the Chief's death. About Billy's death. It's better that way. It's weird to the rest of the Party. They wrongly assumed El and Max would be each other's shoulder to cry on, the one to confide in about those topics, but surprise. It didn't happen that way. It's better that way. For both of them.

What is somehow even worse though? The Party pussyfooting around her, treating her like she's some fucking delicate porcelain doll who is gonna completely shatter eventually. They'll ask, all genuine and stupid, "Hey Max, how are you doing? Are you getting by? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" All fucking stupid horseshit. They don't want to hear the truth, they want her to say the generic acceptable bullshit of "Yeah, I'm doing okay, thanks for asking, you're such a good person for offering-" 

Its more about feeling good about themselves. It's enough to make her want to pull her hair out. But unlike fucking Troy and those shitheads who say stupid shit like they get paid for it, she can't just punch her friends when she's angry. So she puts on this perfect mask. Of 'feeling better'. Of dealing with it. Pretending. It's all just fucking pretend. It's harder to pretend with Lucas, though. He notices things, and he can tell when she's lying through her teeth. Sometimes he'll try to talk to her in private, tries to get her to open up because 'I know you're not okay, you can't deny it because I see it in your face.' Sometimes he leaves her alone, he's pretty good at detecting whether she really needs him to actually fuck off or when she wants to cry and have Lucas hold her.

Most of the time. There was that time Lucas got all messed up and angry when Dustin made that comment about Billy saving El. He was being a HUGE douchebag, but he apologized and he was sincere. Max forgave him, because she wants to forget it ever happened. Out of sight, out of mind.

She lies in her bed, wiping her tears periodically, hoping for this shit day to end. She doesn't even want to go the campaign today at Mike's house, but at the same time, she's crawling out of her skin right now being in her room. Max wishes Neil wasn't here so she could go to her brother's room instead. It's kind of strange Neil hasn't stormed in her room to yell at her some more for slamming the door. If he hasn't, then that means he is probably still outside, smoking a cigarette. She then hears the loud opening and closing of the front door, accompanied with coughing, which confirms her suspicion. 

"Max? Please report to Party, over." The walkie-talkie comes to the life, which startles her slightly. Then she rolls her eyes. Fucking Dustin. 

"Please report to Party, over." 

She picks up the walkie-talkie. "What?" Max says, probably a little too harshly but the frustration of today has her in a bitchy mood.

"Hey Max." Lucas says softly through the radio. 

"We heard about what happened at school." Mike follows suit. Max groans immediately. "I'd rather not talk about it. AT ALL."

"No yeah, that's fine but we figured you're probably not gonna get permission from your piece of shit stepdad. Are you grounded?" Lucas asks.

"....Yeap, that's definitely gonna happen. And yes, I'm grounded, duh. If I ask for a ride, he'll completely flip out." She mutters. 

"What if you sneak out?" Lucas asks eagerly. Max scoffs, taking her thumb away for a second before responding. 

"Do you _want_ me to get in trouble? How the hell would I get there? I'm not gonna walk all the way over there alone, and I am definitely not game to ride on your bycicle, I'm not in the mood to have to hold on to someone for even five minutes-"

Mike snorts throgh the static. " _Somebody's_ in a shitty mood."

If she was in some sort of anime or cartoon, she's pretty sure this would be the time the vein on her head would be pulsing with irritation.

"No shit." She snaps. "I got suspended."

"How long?" Lucas asks.

"I don't fucking know."

"How the hell do you _not_ know?"

"You know what Mike, eat a-"

"ANYWAYS. " Dustin interrupts her mid sentence, which she's kinda glad for because she can tell she's being kind of a dick.

"I have a solution to your problem! The ride, I mean. Steve's not mad at me anymore, so he offered to take me there. And after the fight and since I am a GENIUS, I figured you won't have a ride to go to 'cus you'd be grounded. So I asked him if he can pick you up on the way and he said yeah." She can feel Dustin's pride over the static, which makes her roll her eyes but a small smile is present on her face. Dustin can be such a dork, but he's a lovable dork at least. She's actually getting excited at hanging out with her friends.

She's not sure how she feels, however, that _Steve_ is the one who will pick her up. It makes her stomach feel weird. To distract herself from those thoughts, she begins ribbing Lucas for fun.

"Wow. Dustin is the one who figured everything out how to solve all of this shit, but my own _boyfriend_ didn't move a finger to help this situation-"

"Wait-wait-wait a second, in my defense-"

"Hold up, Steve was mad at _you_? The fuck did you do? Steve is _never_ mad at you even when you fucked up his radio system-"

"I didn't even know you got in a fight, you and Dustin share 4th period so of course he's gonna know before-!!"

"EVERYONE, STOP TALKING." Dustin finally yells in an exasperated tone. Thankfully, everyone does shut up.

"Okay, like I was saying, Steve's gonna be picking you up around 8:30-"

"Ummm I don't know if you've noticed, but I never actually agreed to sneak out."

"...."

"...."

"Okay, yeah I'm totally gonna sneak out."

.

After hashing out the logistics with Dustin, Max knows Steve is going to be parked 2 houses to the left, because she's not stupid to let Steve pick her up in front of her house, Neil would _kill_ her.

She leaves her room, gets reprimanded by Neil some more and they have their infuriating 'family dinner' which only serves to sour her sort-of-okay mood after speaking with the Party.

After that, she makes some bullshit excuse about her needing to do some homework the school assigns as extra punishment when a student gets suspended. They eat it all up, she can tell. Even Neil, who usually has the nose to sniff out that type of shit.

Soon enough, its 8:30. She knows Steve is already there waiting for her, because apart from being a _total_ mom, he is always on time. She gets her shit, opens the window slowly and starts to gingerly cross her leg to the other side with the stealth of a ninja.Then, Max suddenly stops. She starts sweating, even though she never gets winded when she climbs out the window, it's second nature to her.

She had forgotten _Steve_ was there to pick her up. She never gets rides from Steve. Like ever. Even when the Party tells her to come with, but she always refuses, saying that her mom is just around the corner, which was such a lie.

And now she'd have to sit in Steve's car, _alone_ , pretending that everything is normal as fuck when it CLEARLY isn't. Things are weird when they interact. Steve knows it's really fucking weird. She can tell by the way he glances at her every so often when he picks up the rest of the dorks. The looks are so loaded and filled with... _something_. She just doesn't know what. It's almost like he wants to tell her something but backs out? Well, she can't do fuck all about it now. She raises her other leg over the window and does the small jump to the ground. Okay, everything looks good so far. Steve is outside, waiting for her, but who cares if it's Steve??

Fuck it. She starts walking over there, with a determined look in her eyes. She almost arrives all the way to the the back door but then freezes again when she's right in front of the passenger window. Steve is looking at her and he looks so fucking _nervous_ that it's making _her_ feel nervous. Her heart does a somersault or something because she feels that _whomp_ in her chest. They lock eyes for less than a second but if felt like five whole minutes. Steve's the one who breaks the eye contact first and Max rushes to the back door. She catches his expression of relief of her not going for the passenger seat before swinging the door open and sliding in.

Steve lets the car idle for some reason, the hot air blasting from the vents. Maybe he is waiting for her to heat up somewhat - the cold is brutal here and fuck, she didn't bring a jacket for the weather. Well, she wants to believe he cares. He doesn't say hello, doesn't say _anything_ at all, and honestly, she expected as much. Steve hasn't spoken a single word in her general direction since Billy died. He tries to not even look at her, in which he sometimes fails at, in which Max always catches him. Its kind of mind boggling that the Party never notices, it's super obvious they're not speaking to each other and actively avoiding each other. The boys really _are_ dense.

That one single time Steve and her HAD to interact was when Lucas was being a real asshole, that time at the diner. Steve did look at her then because she started to cry when Lucas snapped at her. He had a real meaningful look too. Again, heavy as shit. But again, stone silent. 

At first, she felt actual fucking relief that there was ONE person who wasn't up her ass about how she's feeling and saying 'sorry for your loss' and all of that other _bullshit_ she hated. Even Nancy and Johnathan were telling her all of that annoying generic shit, and she hardly ever sees them at all. Steve is present almost all the time since Dustin is so fucking enamored by him, he pretty much takes him wherever he goes. It's almost like Steve _became_ part of the Party. Even _Mike_ has warmed up to him. Mike, who has a perpetual stick up his ass! So he definitely had ample opportunity to do it. But he didn't. Why?

Max admits to herself she did feel relief at Steve's silence. At first.

Then, two months happened, and nothing had changed. Not even acknowledging her, like she doesn't fucking exist. Billy broke a plate over his head, he fucking almost beat him to death, and yeah, that's pretty messed up, but she (stupidly) thought they gotten over that. They _seemed_ fine.

Billy continued to pick her up from school, the arcade, wherever the fuck, the exact same time Steve picked the rest of the Party, and they would actually smirk and give each other a casual two finger salute. Sometimes they spoke, always Billy saying 'Harrington.' with a little nod and all. Steve always returned it with a nod of his own. 'Hargrove.' She never brought it up with Billy but she figured she didn't need to. It seemed there was no bad blood anymore. So why the fuck was Steve acting like this? She'd be content with something simple. He could say something, not necessarily a 'sorry for what happened' but it acknowledges Max's brother died and she's really not over it, maybe like 'Max, I know shit sucks right now and that’s okay,' but instead it's nothing. Radio silence.

So yeah, after two whole months, she's not going to lie: it started to bother her. She felt mostly confused but also a little hurt. She'd bet money if it was anyone in the party, he'd be mothering the fuck out of them because that's just how he is. He is such a mother hen.

Unless it's her, apparently.

And now, four fucking months later, it STILL hasn't changed. Steve is driving now, in complete silence, what a fucking surprise. She is sitting right in the middle, and Steve actually _moved_ the rearview mirror up, and she knows it's to avoid eye contact again. Max is almost choking with all of the goddamn tension in the air. You can almost see it at this point.

Fuck, now she's angry. Fuck, she's angry and she's gonna do something stupid-

"Steve can you pull over?"

The question comes out harsh and forceful, more a demand than anything else. Steve actually jumps hearing her voice, and she even surprises herself, ‘cus, shit. She’s doing it, no going back. He moves the mirror to eye level and looks at it for half a second. The nervousness is back in his eyes. He pulls over to the side of the road but doesn't turn the car off. The engine is humming. That's the only noise in the car right now. Max is sick of it. After a minute, she gets out of the car, and Steve glances to the back, probably wondering what the fuck she's doing.

Max opens the door to the passenger seat as quickly as she can, and sits down. Steve's eyes become wide and big like saucers or something. Like if he's afraid. He immediately turns away, staring directly at the car parked in front of him. Her eyes bore into him. Again, pure silence. His fingers tap haphazardly on the steering wheel, and the red-head has the sudden impulse to punch him.

“Why do you hate me?”

He flinches like if she actually did punch him. A hand cards through his hair, his elbow resting on the car horn. Now he _does_ have the balls to look at her, with a torn expression on his face.

“I don’t hate you, Max.” Steve finally says quietly. His eyes are heavy, and she realizes that that _something_ she had seen time and time again in them was pure sorrow. His eyes had always been full of sorrow.

“Then explain why the fuck you’re ignoring me.” She immediately fires back, angry. Enraged, even. Steve opens his mouth to answer, but Max continues. “You've been ignoring me for _months_. Did you really hate Billy that fucking much, that you automatically hate me by association or what-” She’s yelling now.

“NO! It’s not like that, I _swear_ , Max.” His hand is trembling, shaking his head violently. “No. No. I don’t-" He takes a deep breath, and slowly exhales.

“I'm sorry.” And then something fucking crazy happens. Steve’s huge brown eyes become _glassy_. “I don’t know why it was so hard to face you after what happened, but I was being a goddamn coward, every time I saw you it just reminded me of -" He stops cold, sharp inhale and then looks away again, but turns his head a little too much. As if he’s trying to hide something. And for some reason, that makes Max even angrier. “ _Bull. Shit_.” The hiss is venomous. She sees the flinch, stronger than all of the other ones combined. “You are lying through your teeth, you ASSHOLE-"

“You think I don’t want to tell you?” Steve whispers. He doesn’t dare turn his head. That stops Max cold.

“…What?”

“I swear I didn’t hate Billy. I _swear_ -"

“No no no, you’re not getting off that easy. You can’t just say shit like that and expect me to let it go.” It’s Max’s turn to shake her head, vibrating with this awful emotion, she doesn't even know what to call it.

Silence. She waits for him to give an answer, but after two whole minutes (no really, she counted the 120 goddamn seconds), she can’t help it when she screams at him.

“Why don’t you look at me??! Fucking _look_ at me-"

Steve finally turns his head to really fucking look at her and she gasps like some sort of idiot. The tear marks are shiny. Running down his cheeks, actually, even now. His eyes are wet and watery. It's hard. It’s actually a little too much to handle. Her lip trembles, and she feels tears in her eyes. 

“…I _don’t_ hate your brother." He repeats, voice broken. There's shame on his face. What the fuck. She’s never been so confused in her life.

“I don’t understand what’s happening. Please.” Max is surprised to hear herself ask silently. 

“ _Please.”_

“I. Don’t. Hate. Billy.” He repeats it again, this time with more emphasis. Like if that answers her fucking question.

“ _Why_ do you keep saying that? Why do you _say it_ like that--" She stops cold. They lock eyes again. Fully. Steve’s waiting for her. It's so goddamn silent.The smooth engine continues to hum. Steve continues to wait. For her to decipher some cryptic bullshit-

Wait.

Max blinks. Once. Twice.

_"Is Harrington still hanging out with your loser dweeb friends? You should tell him he's looks like a real fucking pedo, and should get friends his own age."_

_"He has Robin! Besides, what do you care?"_

The gears in her head actually start working. Her throat inexplicably feels drier than a desert.

_"Where did you get that sweater? It's actually expensive looking, Neil sure as shit didn't buy it, he's such a cheap asshole."_

_"It's a gift. From my girl."_

_"What? Since when do **you** have a girlfriend? You know, it's weird 'cus it looks just like St-"_

_"Shut the fuck up Maxine."_

And suddenly, out of nowhere, it _clicks_. Max’s hand goes to her mouth.

"Oh shit."

The other hand follows. Steve hangs his head.

“Oh _shit_.”

.

.


End file.
